Quotes. . . Humorous, Truth, Grieving, Love
Things I (the dog) MUST remember. . .
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for dad's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
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"If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody
else's dog around."
cowboy wisdom
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"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
Dave Barry
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"I hope
if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go
by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."
"DEEP THOUGHTS" by Jack Handy _________________________________________________
"Properly trained, a man can be a dog's best friend."
Corey Ford
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"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in
case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in
your ear."
Dave Barry
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"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies."
Gene Hill
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"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does."
Christopher Morley
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If
you want the best seat in the house ... move the dog.
Unknown
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"I
wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water
bowl."
Penny Ward Moser
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"In dog years I'm dead."
Unknown
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"When
a man's dog turns against him, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and
go home to mamma."
Mark Twain
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"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a
dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
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Our dog chases people on a bike. We've had to take it off him.
Winston Churchill
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"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that
is how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy
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"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a
dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement."
Snoopy
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"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night
wondering if there really is a Dog?"
Unknown
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"Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never
changes."
Lewis Grizzard
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"I
think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the
wrong answers."
Unknown
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"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
Fran Lebowitz
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"If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater. . .
suggest that he wear a tail."
Fran Lebowitz
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"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
Anne Tyler
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"I
wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
Rita Rudner
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"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
Joe Weinstein
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"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."
Unknown
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"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down."
Robert Benchley
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"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
Edward Abbey
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"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched
and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or
another."
Robert Benchley
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"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it."
Unknown
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"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does."
Christopher Morley
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Dogs are really people with short legs in fur coats.
Unknown
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"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."
Wendy Liebman
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I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed
contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
John Steinbeck
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"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't
decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives."
Rita Rudner
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"My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious
gossip!"
Craig Shoemaker
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"If you don't mind throwing tennis balls for eternity, I do have an opening
in doggie heaven."
Frank and Ernest comic strip
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"You may have a dog that won't sit up, roll over or even cook breakfast, not
because she's too stupid to learn how but because she's too smart to
bother."
Rick Horowitz, Chicago Tribune _________________________________________________
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?" - Woody
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing milk bone underwear."
Norm from Cheers
Dialog from Cheers
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"I
used to look at [my dog] Smokey and think, 'If you were a little smarter you
could tell me what you were thinking,' and he'd look at me like he was
saying, 'If you were a little smarter, I wouldn't have to.'"
Fred Jungclaus
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"Never stand between a dog and the hydrant."
John Peers
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I
never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose
as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears
all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
Marie Corelli
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"The difference between cats and dogs is, dogs come when they are called,
cats take a message and get back to you."
Unknown
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"...Pomeranians speak only to Poodles and Poodles speak only to God."
Charles Kuralt on "48 Hours"
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"Researches have discovered that dogs can comprehend a vocabulary of 2,000
words, whereas cats can only comprehend 25 to 50. No one ever asks how many
words researches can comprehend."
Unknown
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For the fifth year in succession I have pored over the catalogue of dogs in
the show at Madison Square Garden without finding a dog named Rover, Towser,
Sport, Spot or Fido. Who is the man who can call from the back door at night: "Here, Champion
Alexander of Clane o' Wind-Holme! Here, Champion Alexander of Clane o' Wind-Holme"?
Westbrook Pegler
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He's got his dog trained so that it only does it on newspapers. The trouble
is it does it when he's reading the blasted things.
Honore de Balzac
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"A
Pekingese is not a pet dog; he is an undersized lion."
A A Milne
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"Dogs
are better than children. Even my friends with children say that. As a dog
friend of mine likes to say, children are for people who can't have dogs."
Unknown
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"In a
perfect world, every dog would have a home and every home would have a dog."
Unknown
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"Maybe
you've been looking for love in all the wrong places. A dog will treat you
better than anyone you'll meet at happy hour. Trust me. I've been to happy
hour."
Unknown
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Sleeping with your Dog Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep. I
sleep right in the center groove My human being can hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight And here is where I pass the night No one disturbs me or dares intrude Till morning comes and "I want food!" I
sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, I
have sharp teeth- I'm a puppy, don't you see? For the morning's here and it's time to play I
always seem to get my way. So thank you Lord for giving me This human person that I see. The one who hugs and holds me tight And shares her bed with me at night!
Unknown
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